Welcome, adieu, sit down those that remain, thank you all for coming, indeed it is a pleasure to see you all here today, my dear Stratfordians and Oxfordians and Baconians and Marlowvians and Twainians and supposers and surmisers and doubters and troglodytes and people who couldn't care less and are only in attendance for the free food, welcome, welcome, welcome. 

I do believe it is the first time in history that you have all been in the same room together, and I do serve myself with sufficient grace to take full credit for that. Now-there! Baconians, I will have none of that here, here at this grand symposium, no I don't care that the Stratfordians threw a shoe, enough is enough! Get yourselves settled, for the matter is at hand, a resolution if you will, concerning the doubted authorship of one William Shakespeare, we'll stay here all night if we have too, and as I'm already behind the podium, I suppose I should start us off. Did an ill-educated, untraveled midland-man really write all those wonderful plays, works of genius. I may as well state my allegiance from the start, I believe he did.

Collectively, the symposium gasps in horror as the period actors Mark Rylance and Derek Jacobi approach the podium.

"Stop, Mr. Lieber before you make a fool of yourself", declares Rylance.